sighhhh

To top off an icky day Zach got bit in the groin by a dog tonight .. needed 7 stitches .........

Today

Well I just had a major melt down...
Zach has always been my mellow easy going kid.... he has always been alittle more grown up than most ... In the last 2 years this has been getting progressively worse ... obsessive and anxious .... He has always been a worrier and a people pleaser.Lately he will go into these modes of bizarre behaviors... today ... he was playing nicely with his sister... no real issues ... then after lunch...I told him to slow down while drinking something... he mouthed off .. God mom can't you see I"m thirsty.... first we don't' allow talk like that .. I told him he needed to go to his room and rest ( he had been up really early ) flat out no I won't go....I tried to force 73 pounds to his room ... finally I get him there .. he eyes glaze over and he chants I won't be quite - while laughing hysterically ... then he ends up in tears saying all his days suck because of me.....
Two minutes later ... he is all sweet Mommy can I .........
I called his Dr who of course is out this afternoon.... I end up crying all over some poor nurse.....

It hurts so much .. he is a really great kid ... and what ever this is that is taking a hold of him,,, I can tell he doesn't understand it either ... I feel alone some don't get it .. the whole special needs side of my life ... I get these comments that it must be a parenting flaw ... or what did you expect.....or typical kid ......you just need to discipline him......

Today I cry
I cry because I want to help you
but don't know how
I cry because I see the look in your eye
but yet I can't reach you
I cry because as your mom
I want to win all battles for you
I cry because I can't take that pain for you
but yet I will try.

End of Day

Really didn't do anything special today.Liza had therapy Zach had a boyscout thing at the church ...
Bruce came home sickly... whenever he does this one job at work .. it is a process of using acid on stainless steel to prepare it for painting .He ends up with bronchitis /pneumonia .... he pretty much ate supper and went to bed...I worry about him.....he works hard .
Liza she is pretty much as she has been...
Zach is my biggest concern lately ..I know we just started all this Dr'ing .. but he stomach still bugs him ... and his anxiety and OCD is driving me nuts .. he will argue and act up ... and he has been on obsession roles all day ... He used to be about fishing all day .... now he just obsess about everything....How hot is it now... and 2 minutes later ... whats the temp mom..
I hate seeing him like that ....

It has been a busy last few days.... I have witnessed both adults and kids make bad choices .. seen people hurt ... I don't quite understand how a father can pack up and move 6 states away from his wife /child because he thinks it is for the best .. Old freinds treat each other with carelessness ... teens making poor choices.....it makes me sad

The red dress picture of Liza was taken right before the New Year of '08 the other pic is the day of her benefit ... 6 mo later ...

The one of Zach with the pumpkin is Oct of '07 and the one of him on the dinosaur is June '08

Sigh

Zach keeps growing up each time I look he seems older ..... Liza at the time we didn't really realize just how sick she was and now looking at her now..... we count our blessings

It's a lazy afternoon here.. both kids are asleep..I am letting housework slide ... I have filing todo and there is always laundry....

When I ran daycare I used to think about what I would do if I had free time .. then when I went to work at the nursing home.. there I used to worry about being away from the kids .. Zach had me home up until he was in the 2nd grade .. and I did daycare up until he was in the middle of 1st grade... I fretted about being away from Liza.. Now I sit here ...being lazy .. waiting for the kids to wake up .. maybe play in the pool with them... and make supper..

I worry about what to do this fall... I really can't be gone in the evenings alot anymore ... I don't know about how well the Avon will sell to help out.So once again I find myself worried about what is best for the kids and truly helps us out here.Somethings never change

How do I get through your armor?
Can you not see I am not the enemy?
No longer must you fight those demons alone.
Trust me and I will always answer your cries for help.
My beautiful child I am your mother…. We may not
Share the same blood…but we share my heart …

Each night I pray for guidance to help me get in those walls
To calm those childhood memories – to help you see that you
Are loved and safe here…

Our fisherman

Of course I can't find the really impressive fishing pics.........