Today

The week always flies by with the kids stuff.Often I forget to take care of me.Today I am torn I need to make an appointment for myself but not sure where to put it so it falls in with the kid's stuff.
A friend blogged about the trapped feeling .. That is how I feel lately every avenue I go down has road block .If there isn't a waiting game it is a we can't help you or there is the implication that we haven't done enough or somehow have caused this . Last night I was asked if maybe I spend too much time on one and not the other kid.Yikes I burst into tears and asked this person what else can I do - I don't work much out of the home.I rarely leave them... I get out for maybe one evening a week and then I usually go after they are in bed or close to it.
I was questioned on if I caused Zach's anxiety and his need to sneak food by not feeding him - AFTER all Liza had failure to thrive and now has a feeding tube.Maybe I need counseling on healthy meals and the importance of that .Zach has little concept on amounts he told her that he has a can a pop a day. I tried to explain that he might get 1/4 a can twice a week. He then told her of the 8 glasses of water he drinks a day .. He maybe drinks 1.I was told that I needed to keep all candy and junk away...While yes we have snacks I do limit them.. and I know somethings don't work with ADHD..
Zach's voices -- I know he has some hallucinations and hears voices..Some want to down play it as if I am the one making it up.I never said I knew what the voices were about .. if it is his imagination or conscious.... or maybe he is schizophrenic. It isn't my job to figure that out I am doing my job watching him-telling the Dr's and trying to get him the help.. I don't think I need to also diagnose him also.
Then lets go to Liza ... I want to scream I don't know why she won't eat.I don't know why she isn't speaking ...She is getting to be hyperactive and high energy and hard to handle at times..So instead of going with well it could be her genetics kicking in I get blamed on being a bad mom and I don't structure and discipline enough.While yes I think she is smart enough to learn appropriate behaviors I can't change the facts she has some cards stacked up against her.
I am sitting here waiting for the school to see what they can do for both kids..I don't always hear back from my emails - and am playing a huge waiting game.
Respite for Zach .. I feel as though he is easy enough to be around we just want to make sure he is safe with whoever we get.So playing a waiting game on that.
I put all my energy in them I forget to take care of myself.Or I run out of time or just simply put myself on the back burner.Where I am slowly burning up.