Some mornings are like clockwork.. today not so much.. Zach met me with defiance the whole time .. There isn't lots of time to get ready for school ..I get him up by 6 and he needs to be ready for the bus by 7:15. He gets so grumpy when I push him along but if one doesn't stay firm on you need to keep moving he will loose himself in his room.
It ends up being a battle of wills.. he gets mouthy and dumps it all as my fault life is the way it is..It ends up getting loud and I end up feeling icky ... He needs to be ready by 7:15 the bus is to be here at that time ... his arguement is it hasn't been on time all week why do I need to hurry for something that is always 10 to 15 mn late.He is a kid who follows schedules like clockwork and if something gets off schedule it makes everything tumble down.
Once we get the battle over .... he then returns to the sweet boy I know .
Friday, December 19, 2008
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Today
Today has been fairly uneventful ...kids have been good..I read a friends blog who she always inspires me .. I read her blog daily to see into her world of several adopted kids and the trials of it all.. I always leave wanting be better .. . to reach out and help other families ...
It gets me all stirred up inside
It gets me all stirred up inside
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Normalcy
That was the topic of pillow talk tonight .. Bruce is worn down by all of the craziness of our life.. I guess I have become numb to it all.. He had told me tonight he wished for normalcy .. he wanted a break from behaviors ,feeding tubes and all the heaviness our life holds.. Not to be mistaken for not wanting to be here .. he just wishes he could make it easier for everyone.. I see him going inside his shell..
My response to him is this is our normal now and we have to sneak moments in for "us " in between the times we are dealing with things . I don't know what to do to get through to him .. and I don't know how to help him.
We met with Zach's therapist tonight .. all went fairly well .. we will be restarting therapy again.
Tonight I feel sad and helpless.......
My response to him is this is our normal now and we have to sneak moments in for "us " in between the times we are dealing with things . I don't know what to do to get through to him .. and I don't know how to help him.
We met with Zach's therapist tonight .. all went fairly well .. we will be restarting therapy again.
Tonight I feel sad and helpless.......
Lately
Zach has been the one that we have been running for ....his asthma has been giving his troubles and he needed steriods .. well the steriods increased his anxiety..We have had some behavior issues lately.. I am frustrated tonight we are talking with his counsoler and hopefully we will figure things out...
I had put a call into his Dr .. and one of the nurses told me I just needed to parent him ...thought that is what I have been doing...
I had put a call into his Dr .. and one of the nurses told me I just needed to parent him ...thought that is what I have been doing...
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
My Kindred Spirit
A warmth covers me,
when you speak to me, my friend.
My kindred spirit.
You know me so well.
My deep hidden fears you calm.
I feel your guidance.
Your words are with me.
Your gentleness surrounds me.
I feel a sense of peace,
Your strength implores me.
Your keep me honest and true.
You guide me along.
Gently you hold my hand.
Leading me along the path.
My light in the storm.
when you speak to me, my friend.
My kindred spirit.
You know me so well.
My deep hidden fears you calm.
I feel your guidance.
Your words are with me.
Your gentleness surrounds me.
I feel a sense of peace,
Your strength implores me.
Your keep me honest and true.
You guide me along.
Gently you hold my hand.
Leading me along the path.
My light in the storm.
Sick kids
Last week we were in the Er room .... saw 5 Dr's ...... this week and it is only Wed am we have been to 2 Dr and the Er and I think back to see the kid's Dr today.... makes 5 trips to SFalls in less then a week.
Liza looks like more of a motility issues she has lots of air in her tummy ... frequent streaks of what we thought was constipation which is now looking more like her digestive system doesn't do what it is to do ... which will mean more meds... Even though they HSAN disorder isn't a actual diagnosis .. these are the things that keep it a possibility we will just have to sit and wait..
Zach - well lets see looks like he is borderline on having a bleeding disorder ... He had some strange circulation issue last week ...his legs from hips to his feet were blue ....
This week it is his asthma .. he has a fever and a cough ....
A close friend has stated that while we have no medical background we certainly are making a medical history for them both now......
Liza looks like more of a motility issues she has lots of air in her tummy ... frequent streaks of what we thought was constipation which is now looking more like her digestive system doesn't do what it is to do ... which will mean more meds... Even though they HSAN disorder isn't a actual diagnosis .. these are the things that keep it a possibility we will just have to sit and wait..
Zach - well lets see looks like he is borderline on having a bleeding disorder ... He had some strange circulation issue last week ...his legs from hips to his feet were blue ....
This week it is his asthma .. he has a fever and a cough ....
A close friend has stated that while we have no medical background we certainly are making a medical history for them both now......
Monday, October 13, 2008
I know I tend to talk alot about Liza .... but it doesn't mean this young man is any less important .. He is his happiest in the outdoors.. This whole ordeal with Liza has taken it's toll on him too.. I think we are all better and stronger now .. but it has been a rough road . yet he is still the loving brother who takes him for his little sister ..he worries about her when she seems sick ... God has given us 2 of the most precious gifts ... and for that we are gratful
Loss
I can't go into details here as much as I like .. while I like to thing this is my place to let things flow from my mind .. I also know others are reading .....but I need to get this out .......
There is a key person in our lives
Tonight
The blue shirt pic was taken in Feb right after we got out of hosp. and the red one was 10-13-08
Tonight Bruce wrote a poem ... he never writes poems ...
10 months ago I laid in a bed
you feared you were going to say goodbye
Now I am here looking at you telling you
it isn't time ..
We were talking about life .. and how it throws you things you would never think you could handle .. This has been one of those roads .. but I think everyone is doing ok
It has taught us just how small we really are .. that there are so many things bigger then us .
Somethings have taught us patience and petty some of our daily hang ups really are .
I believe we all need to keep a part of ourselves for us .. but we have noticed that our special needs here have carved out our life.. We never know if we are taking a trip to S FAlls ... hence never is our gas tank on E,, You never know when it will be a sleepless night due to the feeding pump leaking or asthmatics need nebs... We don't make long term plans anymore.. we try to just take it day by day.. For we have learned how fragile life really is ....
I have found strength in me I didn't know existed .. I have little tolerance for bullies ...and respect the fact I need others to get through today .. I am trying really hard to find my one thing that I feel the strongest about and stand up for it.
I want to be the mom that makes my kids proud ... I want to be the type of woman that stands on her beliefs ... An advocate of sorts .... we have been through alot we have had to sever ties that were toxic for our family ... we have learned to be creative in family time ...and we have learned to lean even more on our faith...
We have to make some hard decisions ( ones I can't get into here ) choices that one shouldn't have to make.. but soon our kids will be able to see adults don't always act like adults and that sometimes we just can't have certain ones in our lives.....
3rd Birthday
Here is the birthday girl.. almost loosing her in January made this even more a joyous occasion...
We also found out they are dropping the genetic disorder from a diagnosis to more of a lets just keep an eye on it...
The Dr's feel she is doing so good ( still doesn't eat and mostly tube fed) that they reevaluated her ...
Birthday blessings to her......
Thursday, October 2, 2008
My week
Well this week ... Liza seems to be the sick one still... she had severe constipation issues in the very begining . .had been resolved after the feeding tube... but in the last week went 6 days without going... so we ran to Sioux Falls ... had her checked out .. dealing with it at home....
She is being sent to an ENT .. her tubes have come out probably will need new ones..
Next week I get to juggle 2 Sioux Falls runs Liza will be fairly easy....Zach has to see 5 Dr in one day...I am really hoping to get ontop of all the running before it gets really cold and wintery....
She is being sent to an ENT .. her tubes have come out probably will need new ones..
Next week I get to juggle 2 Sioux Falls runs Liza will be fairly easy....Zach has to see 5 Dr in one day...I am really hoping to get ontop of all the running before it gets really cold and wintery....
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Autumn Rain
Autumn Rain
September skies full of the blue jay songs
Walnuts plunge to the foraging squirrels below
Crimson foliage flutter to the earth
Rain drops mourn summers loss
Air is filled with the mushy scent of harvest
Wildlife are all starting to prepare
Crickets are chirping for they know what is near
Birds soon will gather for migration
For we all know what the autumn rain brings
September skies full of the blue jay songs
Walnuts plunge to the foraging squirrels below
Crimson foliage flutter to the earth
Rain drops mourn summers loss
Air is filled with the mushy scent of harvest
Wildlife are all starting to prepare
Crickets are chirping for they know what is near
Birds soon will gather for migration
For we all know what the autumn rain brings
Temptations
Temptations
Dancing so close to the flame
Don’t forget the cost.
Like a burn it still blisters
long after the spark is gone
Are you willing to let it all?
Fall away like dead skin.
Wounds take a long time to heal
Careful when you play with fire.
Dancing so close to the flame
Don’t forget the cost.
Like a burn it still blisters
long after the spark is gone
Are you willing to let it all?
Fall away like dead skin.
Wounds take a long time to heal
Careful when you play with fire.
Alone
Alone
Alone is how I feel
Sitting there in my own shell
Unnoticed and insignificant
You don’t hear my voice
You don’t look into my eyes
I truly am the speckled pup in the corner
Occasionally I will get a sympathetic pat on the head
When you have nothing else to do you visit me
But I am easily forgotten.
I am left in the cold and the rain.
Alone is how I feel
Sitting there in my own shell
Unnoticed and insignificant
You don’t hear my voice
You don’t look into my eyes
I truly am the speckled pup in the corner
Occasionally I will get a sympathetic pat on the head
When you have nothing else to do you visit me
But I am easily forgotten.
I am left in the cold and the rain.
If tonight my heavenly father called me home
Would you miss me?
Would I merely be a memory?
Would you morn my loss?
Would you even know I was gone?
Would just replace me?
I sit there in my quietness and watch
I wonder do you even see me?
Do you know what is going on inside head?
Later when I was laid to rest would you feel emptiness?
Would you feel a sadness that you never got to know me?
Do you know that I look forward to your company?
Do you know you make me smile even when I feel as if I can’t?
Do you know I listen for you?
Do you know my hopes, dreams?
Do you know what makes me happy?
Do you know what makes me sad?
If tonight I would pass ….how would you feel?
Would you miss me?
Would I merely be a memory?
Would you morn my loss?
Would you even know I was gone?
Would just replace me?
I sit there in my quietness and watch
I wonder do you even see me?
Do you know what is going on inside head?
Later when I was laid to rest would you feel emptiness?
Would you feel a sadness that you never got to know me?
Do you know that I look forward to your company?
Do you know you make me smile even when I feel as if I can’t?
Do you know I listen for you?
Do you know my hopes, dreams?
Do you know what makes me happy?
Do you know what makes me sad?
If tonight I would pass ….how would you feel?
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Ramble of the day
It has been a good day .. even tho Liza is sickly again.. I don't think it will be a pnuemona route again ... Zach is liking school......It is once again the quietness of just me and Liza in the house ..
The hum of the washing machine ... and the clicking of the oven heating up....
These are the days I so longed for way back when we were in the hosp. with her..
I have heard of others speak of Post Traumatic Shock .. I spend alot of time waiting for the other shoe to drop... Normalcy is frail.. it can be shook up like a water globe in a split second.It maybe months since she was in .. but in my mind those memories are still clear.. the talking of staff in the hall.. the sounds of other sick kids.. the tears of other parents... How for those 3 weeks that was our normal.. Nurses and Dr's in out of our room at all kinds of times of the day..The light off the IV pumps were our night lights.. when I go back to take the kids to see their Dr I pass the delivery entrance that I used to watch the trucks come and unload supplies..
It seems like a dream but yet when I know it wasn't ....
Some say I should just forget it all and look forward .. while I do look to the future .. it also keeps me very grounded to know just how precious "normal" can be....
The hum of the washing machine ... and the clicking of the oven heating up....
These are the days I so longed for way back when we were in the hosp. with her..
I have heard of others speak of Post Traumatic Shock .. I spend alot of time waiting for the other shoe to drop... Normalcy is frail.. it can be shook up like a water globe in a split second.It maybe months since she was in .. but in my mind those memories are still clear.. the talking of staff in the hall.. the sounds of other sick kids.. the tears of other parents... How for those 3 weeks that was our normal.. Nurses and Dr's in out of our room at all kinds of times of the day..The light off the IV pumps were our night lights.. when I go back to take the kids to see their Dr I pass the delivery entrance that I used to watch the trucks come and unload supplies..
It seems like a dream but yet when I know it wasn't ....
Some say I should just forget it all and look forward .. while I do look to the future .. it also keeps me very grounded to know just how precious "normal" can be....
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
The toys lay there waiting
But the kids don’t come
The pool is drained
The neighborhood is quiet
No little boys in the street on bikes
Sandbox sand blowing in the wind
The hum of the orange school bus
Shuffle of little feet up the street
The rustle of book bags now fills the air.
Rain in the sky
As if summer is bidding sweet farewell
This is the day the toys cry
But the kids don’t come
The pool is drained
The neighborhood is quiet
No little boys in the street on bikes
Sandbox sand blowing in the wind
The hum of the orange school bus
Shuffle of little feet up the street
The rustle of book bags now fills the air.
Rain in the sky
As if summer is bidding sweet farewell
This is the day the toys cry
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Today
Today I almost skipped church .. since all of this stuff with Liza it has been easy to say ohh it is just easier to stay home... Well today in the last 30 minutes before church I decided to get us ready.. After we sat down .. Liza's birthdad sat down infront of us .. He lives in a group home .. I don't think he even can recognize us .. really no threat.. but still the blood in my veins ran cold.. I hugged my sweet little girl.. looked at Bruce and said I can't do this.. he only smiled and said GOd has his reasons ... you will be fine.. I am so amazed at my husband.. he is so calm with some things. while I wanted to scoop up my kids and run.. He wanted to just sit there..
Well birth dad never knew who we were .. it gave me time to sit .. and try to see the similarities in the two.. also made me think about our future.. he has some really big issues.. that could be passed down.. in the end I found myself praying for him and for the innocent little girl next to me..
Later today I ran into some people from the past who were very toxic for me .. and I again thanked God for my life now...
Then I ran into someone who was part of placing Liza with us .. while some stuff was really handled poorly ... I still thanked God for it all ... Life may not have moved like I would have chosen but we still ended up with 2 great kids that call us mom/dad....
Well birth dad never knew who we were .. it gave me time to sit .. and try to see the similarities in the two.. also made me think about our future.. he has some really big issues.. that could be passed down.. in the end I found myself praying for him and for the innocent little girl next to me..
Later today I ran into some people from the past who were very toxic for me .. and I again thanked God for my life now...
Then I ran into someone who was part of placing Liza with us .. while some stuff was really handled poorly ... I still thanked God for it all ... Life may not have moved like I would have chosen but we still ended up with 2 great kids that call us mom/dad....
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Your Presence
I felt your presence last night as I laid there in despair
Footsteps softly entering my room
Caring hands pulled my blanket up to my shoulders
You brush the hair from my eyes-
Wiped the tears from my face
Laying there asking you for guidance
Quietly you told me. I have shown you
Follow me and trust only me
Like a little girl I said but it isn’t fair
You responded no one said it would be
You held me with in the silence of the night
Rocked me to sleep like a newborn baby.
I woke this morning no where I could see you have been there
But yet.. I can still hear you voice softly saying I love you in my ear.
Footsteps softly entering my room
Caring hands pulled my blanket up to my shoulders
You brush the hair from my eyes-
Wiped the tears from my face
Laying there asking you for guidance
Quietly you told me. I have shown you
Follow me and trust only me
Like a little girl I said but it isn’t fair
You responded no one said it would be
You held me with in the silence of the night
Rocked me to sleep like a newborn baby.
I woke this morning no where I could see you have been there
But yet.. I can still hear you voice softly saying I love you in my ear.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Weekend wrap up
Friday Bruce was off with us .. we went to the fair in Pipestone.. we had a good time .. there was a few moments of icky.. hot /sweaty....
We took the kids to a Dirt Bike show.. of course I don't know the cool or correct term to call it .. Motor Cross .. I don't know .. it was good every time the guys on the bikes would come fly over the ramp and do tricks.. Liza was yelling whee mommy weeeeee..... Zach was in awe and also I could see him thinking about how he could create a way to make a ramp and do that at home on his bike ... we went and got the kids posters and had then autographed.. Zach was speechless and Liza kept pointing and asking Wee?? wee??? (oh yeah.. Zach went on some rides in the midway and the one I just wasn't ready to see my growing boy on... I quietly wept on dad's shoulder until the ride was done... Zach asked me mom... why????? I told him he won't understand until he is a dad.
Sat,
We went to Camden and played in the swimming hole with the kids ... it was fun then we grilled and chatted..Zach shyly asked us .... Guys I don't quite get how I got here.. we have always been very open about the adoption.. but when we started to talk with him he said never mind I am not ready for this... then he asked exactly how do babies get in the tummy ... we started to have the sex talk .. but it was too much and he said no later .... We always knew he would want to know more .. but when it hit.. it was still a blow .. we want to answer things but answer them in an appropriate way...Sigh.....
OH yeah .. the owner of the dog that bit Zach a few weeks ago.. got drunk and went uptown and ranted about how Zach got everything he deserved and he asked for the dog to bite....
I hate the fact that first the guy doesn't have all the info ... I told him which kid was teasing the dog... and him saying we are bad parents and never watch our kids .. Zach hardly can leave the yard without someone with ... I always know where he is... The guy has the wrong kid ... and even still it takes a coward to talk smack about an 8 yr old boy...
Sunday
Nothing too much .. did some yard work...
The evening ended well .. kids and daddy are fast asleep.....
We took the kids to a Dirt Bike show.. of course I don't know the cool or correct term to call it .. Motor Cross .. I don't know .. it was good every time the guys on the bikes would come fly over the ramp and do tricks.. Liza was yelling whee mommy weeeeee..... Zach was in awe and also I could see him thinking about how he could create a way to make a ramp and do that at home on his bike ... we went and got the kids posters and had then autographed.. Zach was speechless and Liza kept pointing and asking Wee?? wee??? (oh yeah.. Zach went on some rides in the midway and the one I just wasn't ready to see my growing boy on... I quietly wept on dad's shoulder until the ride was done... Zach asked me mom... why????? I told him he won't understand until he is a dad.
Sat,
We went to Camden and played in the swimming hole with the kids ... it was fun then we grilled and chatted..Zach shyly asked us .... Guys I don't quite get how I got here.. we have always been very open about the adoption.. but when we started to talk with him he said never mind I am not ready for this... then he asked exactly how do babies get in the tummy ... we started to have the sex talk .. but it was too much and he said no later .... We always knew he would want to know more .. but when it hit.. it was still a blow .. we want to answer things but answer them in an appropriate way...Sigh.....
OH yeah .. the owner of the dog that bit Zach a few weeks ago.. got drunk and went uptown and ranted about how Zach got everything he deserved and he asked for the dog to bite....
I hate the fact that first the guy doesn't have all the info ... I told him which kid was teasing the dog... and him saying we are bad parents and never watch our kids .. Zach hardly can leave the yard without someone with ... I always know where he is... The guy has the wrong kid ... and even still it takes a coward to talk smack about an 8 yr old boy...
Sunday
Nothing too much .. did some yard work...
The evening ended well .. kids and daddy are fast asleep.....
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Been Awhile
It has been awhile since I was in here. Alot has gone on but yet not much has changed.. Zach has really been dealing with headaches/dizzy junk.We got a diagnosis on him ADHD /OCD and Conduct Disorder...Which I haven't shared with a whole lot of people yet . I shared it the other day with a friend and she said" Ohh he always seemed like a nice kid." My response was he is a good kid ... I hate the idea of how some see the list of Disorders and Diagnosis and don't see the person.. Zach is a wonderful sweet loving kid..He just is having some issues and with Therapy and the right meds I think we will be fine.
I so don't want him labled I know how small town can go.. I want everyone to see just how great he can be.
I so don't want him labled I know how small town can go.. I want everyone to see just how great he can be.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
sighhhh
To top off an icky day Zach got bit in the groin by a dog tonight .. needed 7 stitches .........
Today
Well I just had a major melt down...
Zach has always been my mellow easy going kid.... he has always been alittle more grown up than most ... In the last 2 years this has been getting progressively worse ... obsessive and anxious .... He has always been a worrier and a people pleaser.Lately he will go into these modes of bizarre behaviors... today ... he was playing nicely with his sister... no real issues ... then after lunch...I told him to slow down while drinking something... he mouthed off .. God mom can't you see I"m thirsty.... first we don't' allow talk like that .. I told him he needed to go to his room and rest ( he had been up really early ) flat out no I won't go....I tried to force 73 pounds to his room ... finally I get him there .. he eyes glaze over and he chants I won't be quite - while laughing hysterically ... then he ends up in tears saying all his days suck because of me.....
Two minutes later ... he is all sweet Mommy can I .........
I called his Dr who of course is out this afternoon.... I end up crying all over some poor nurse.....
It hurts so much .. he is a really great kid ... and what ever this is that is taking a hold of him,,, I can tell he doesn't understand it either ... I feel alone some don't get it .. the whole special needs side of my life ... I get these comments that it must be a parenting flaw ... or what did you expect.....or typical kid ......you just need to discipline him......
Today I cry
I cry because I want to help you
but don't know how
I cry because I see the look in your eye
but yet I can't reach you
I cry because as your mom
I want to win all battles for you
I cry because I can't take that pain for you
but yet I will try.
Zach has always been my mellow easy going kid.... he has always been alittle more grown up than most ... In the last 2 years this has been getting progressively worse ... obsessive and anxious .... He has always been a worrier and a people pleaser.Lately he will go into these modes of bizarre behaviors... today ... he was playing nicely with his sister... no real issues ... then after lunch...I told him to slow down while drinking something... he mouthed off .. God mom can't you see I"m thirsty.... first we don't' allow talk like that .. I told him he needed to go to his room and rest ( he had been up really early ) flat out no I won't go....I tried to force 73 pounds to his room ... finally I get him there .. he eyes glaze over and he chants I won't be quite - while laughing hysterically ... then he ends up in tears saying all his days suck because of me.....
Two minutes later ... he is all sweet Mommy can I .........
I called his Dr who of course is out this afternoon.... I end up crying all over some poor nurse.....
It hurts so much .. he is a really great kid ... and what ever this is that is taking a hold of him,,, I can tell he doesn't understand it either ... I feel alone some don't get it .. the whole special needs side of my life ... I get these comments that it must be a parenting flaw ... or what did you expect.....or typical kid ......you just need to discipline him......
Today I cry
I cry because I want to help you
but don't know how
I cry because I see the look in your eye
but yet I can't reach you
I cry because as your mom
I want to win all battles for you
I cry because I can't take that pain for you
but yet I will try.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
End of Day
Really didn't do anything special today.Liza had therapy Zach had a boyscout thing at the church ...
Bruce came home sickly... whenever he does this one job at work .. it is a process of using acid on stainless steel to prepare it for painting .He ends up with bronchitis /pneumonia .... he pretty much ate supper and went to bed...I worry about him.....he works hard .
Liza she is pretty much as she has been...
Zach is my biggest concern lately ..I know we just started all this Dr'ing .. but he stomach still bugs him ... and his anxiety and OCD is driving me nuts .. he will argue and act up ... and he has been on obsession roles all day ... He used to be about fishing all day .... now he just obsess about everything....How hot is it now... and 2 minutes later ... whats the temp mom..
I hate seeing him like that ....
It has been a busy last few days.... I have witnessed both adults and kids make bad choices .. seen people hurt ... I don't quite understand how a father can pack up and move 6 states away from his wife /child because he thinks it is for the best .. Old freinds treat each other with carelessness ... teens making poor choices.....it makes me sad
Bruce came home sickly... whenever he does this one job at work .. it is a process of using acid on stainless steel to prepare it for painting .He ends up with bronchitis /pneumonia .... he pretty much ate supper and went to bed...I worry about him.....he works hard .
Liza she is pretty much as she has been...
Zach is my biggest concern lately ..I know we just started all this Dr'ing .. but he stomach still bugs him ... and his anxiety and OCD is driving me nuts .. he will argue and act up ... and he has been on obsession roles all day ... He used to be about fishing all day .... now he just obsess about everything....How hot is it now... and 2 minutes later ... whats the temp mom..
I hate seeing him like that ....
It has been a busy last few days.... I have witnessed both adults and kids make bad choices .. seen people hurt ... I don't quite understand how a father can pack up and move 6 states away from his wife /child because he thinks it is for the best .. Old freinds treat each other with carelessness ... teens making poor choices.....it makes me sad
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
The red dress picture of Liza was taken right before the New Year of '08 the other pic is the day of her benefit ... 6 mo later ...
The one of Zach with the pumpkin is Oct of '07 and the one of him on the dinosaur is June '08
Sigh
Zach keeps growing up each time I look he seems older ..... Liza at the time we didn't really realize just how sick she was and now looking at her now..... we count our blessings
It's a lazy afternoon here.. both kids are asleep..I am letting housework slide ... I have filing todo and there is always laundry....
When I ran daycare I used to think about what I would do if I had free time .. then when I went to work at the nursing home.. there I used to worry about being away from the kids .. Zach had me home up until he was in the 2nd grade .. and I did daycare up until he was in the middle of 1st grade... I fretted about being away from Liza.. Now I sit here ...being lazy .. waiting for the kids to wake up .. maybe play in the pool with them... and make supper..
I worry about what to do this fall... I really can't be gone in the evenings alot anymore ... I don't know about how well the Avon will sell to help out.So once again I find myself worried about what is best for the kids and truly helps us out here.Somethings never change
How do I get through your armor?
Can you not see I am not the enemy?
No longer must you fight those demons alone.
Trust me and I will always answer your cries for help.
My beautiful child I am your mother…. We may not
Share the same blood…but we share my heart …
Each night I pray for guidance to help me get in those walls
To calm those childhood memories – to help you see that you
Are loved and safe here…
Can you not see I am not the enemy?
No longer must you fight those demons alone.
Trust me and I will always answer your cries for help.
My beautiful child I am your mother…. We may not
Share the same blood…but we share my heart …
Each night I pray for guidance to help me get in those walls
To calm those childhood memories – to help you see that you
Are loved and safe here…
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Zach ......
While life has been full of Liza .... Zach has been having his own issues... first he has acid reflux .. we didn't really know how bad... when he was a baby we were told he would out grow it and we shouldn't be worried ... Then we had bouts of what we thought was allergy and asthma stuff... it is now coming out his reflux is still there .. and causing some issues ... new meds for that ... Also he has been having some anxiety issues ... for those that don't know .. he was a preemie -3 and 1.2 months - with a brain hemorrhage .. so he has had a rough start but does really well....
We have noticed things for awhile and some of it has been worse since Liza got sick but we are now treating him for anxiety and obsessive disorder ... Hopefully we can help him get through this quickly.. It is hard to see him and know just how much he is struggling inside .....So please pray for him and keep him close in your thoughts also .....
We have noticed things for awhile and some of it has been worse since Liza got sick but we are now treating him for anxiety and obsessive disorder ... Hopefully we can help him get through this quickly.. It is hard to see him and know just how much he is struggling inside .....So please pray for him and keep him close in your thoughts also .....
Busy weekend
Well I must say we filled every moment that we could with "normalcy" Thursday we had a Dr apt for Zach ... lots of stuff that we need to get ontop of ... I will post about that later.... Thursday afternoon we went to Falls Park in Sioux Falls.. we ate ice cream with the kids ... walked along the river... Thursday eve we grilled with a neighbor and his 5 yr old...
Friday we went to the church picnic... the kids played games .. we came home and all took little naps then we loaded up with the same neighbor and 5 yr old and went to watch fireworks.. we grilled in the casino parking lot and watched people shoot off their fireworks ... then at sunset we watched the the display... it seemed brighter this year and Liza snuggled in and clapping ... Zach chattering away .. Life was good ... Although we had wondered before the big show started Liza wanted to hang out in the van - every time she came out to see the fireworks .. she would dart in to hide... but she came around ...
Sat ... we had planned to take the tent and go camping instead we stayed in our yard .. the kids played in the pool .. we built a fire pit .. we made smores ....root beer floats ... and just hung out .. it was great .....
Sun more of the same ... just hung out with the kids and played.....
It was great .. we had moments of reminder of the special needs that are apart of us but ..they were small compared to all the fun....
Friday we went to the church picnic... the kids played games .. we came home and all took little naps then we loaded up with the same neighbor and 5 yr old and went to watch fireworks.. we grilled in the casino parking lot and watched people shoot off their fireworks ... then at sunset we watched the the display... it seemed brighter this year and Liza snuggled in and clapping ... Zach chattering away .. Life was good ... Although we had wondered before the big show started Liza wanted to hang out in the van - every time she came out to see the fireworks .. she would dart in to hide... but she came around ...
Sat ... we had planned to take the tent and go camping instead we stayed in our yard .. the kids played in the pool .. we built a fire pit .. we made smores ....root beer floats ... and just hung out .. it was great .....
Sun more of the same ... just hung out with the kids and played.....
It was great .. we had moments of reminder of the special needs that are apart of us but ..they were small compared to all the fun....
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Friday, July 4, 2008
Little things
Little things
Laughter over a scoop of blueberry crunch ice-cream
Giggles from the wind in your hair
Smiles from holding a sweaty little hand
Hugs from grubby arms that are saying
Thank you for the little things today.
If we can see the world from a little person eyes
Life would be so much simpler.
Laughter over a scoop of blueberry crunch ice-cream
Giggles from the wind in your hair
Smiles from holding a sweaty little hand
Hugs from grubby arms that are saying
Thank you for the little things today.
If we can see the world from a little person eyes
Life would be so much simpler.
Taking the road less traveled
The other day someone said to me you should be commended for taking these kids..We wouldn't want your world. While yes career wise I have none out of the home .but at home I am everything to them all ..Money wise things are tight ... but we always seem to manage God sees to it ....
But our kids are our world and they come first always ... we may have chosen not to be on the fast track and yes we run to the Dr alot with them both. Each kid has their own issues that need to be kept on top of ..... but we wouldn't leave this path for anything.. When you have love that is all that really matters....
But our kids are our world and they come first always ... we may have chosen not to be on the fast track and yes we run to the Dr alot with them both. Each kid has their own issues that need to be kept on top of ..... but we wouldn't leave this path for anything.. When you have love that is all that really matters....
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Hanging out in our back yard
The kids have a great time in the pool... Zach is a great big brother ... and well Liza soaks up all the attention she can get from him.........
After all we have been through moments like these are priceless... I am sitting on a chair with my book and camera .. kids are laughing splashing... I barely got them to hold still for the pic... Liza made sure she splashed me well afterwards.....
normalcy
Life doesn't get much better then this
We went to the Watertown Sd zoo. it was a great time .. ahhhhhhhhhhhhh normalcy
Friday, June 27, 2008
yet another
Spirit and Spirit’s mate Soul
Soul has a pet called Control.
Control has a nasty demeanor
For years Spirit has let him be Lord of the manor.
Spirit tells Soul it is time to give me his leash
Soul hesitates, but Spirit demands to find peace.
Control senses a change in the game and tries to fight.
Gnashing his ugly teeth, eyes glare in the morning light.
Spirit looks at Soul –Control your beast.
He needs to be gone by time the sun rises in the east.
Soul agrees but is lost where do I begin.
Spirit through tear-filled eyes you need to look within.
Soul fears life with out his pet.
But if he stay what will I have left.
Tonight Control is chained outback
hopefully soon he will be all packed.
Soul has a pet called Control.
Control has a nasty demeanor
For years Spirit has let him be Lord of the manor.
Spirit tells Soul it is time to give me his leash
Soul hesitates, but Spirit demands to find peace.
Control senses a change in the game and tries to fight.
Gnashing his ugly teeth, eyes glare in the morning light.
Spirit looks at Soul –Control your beast.
He needs to be gone by time the sun rises in the east.
Soul agrees but is lost where do I begin.
Spirit through tear-filled eyes you need to look within.
Soul fears life with out his pet.
But if he stay what will I have left.
Tonight Control is chained outback
hopefully soon he will be all packed.
More .........
Waves of emotions rushing through the brain.
Each thought rolling in like the tide.
Sound of water crashing through the rocks.
Can’t make a complete thought, all the ifs.
Indecision and excitement is the current.
Each splash of water cools one thought,
the sun warms up the next one.
The thoughts can’t turn off, one after another
they charge through. How to shut it off.
Thoughts dam up ready to flood and emotions flow.
How to slow them, stop the rapids of the mind.
Each thought rolling in like the tide.
Sound of water crashing through the rocks.
Can’t make a complete thought, all the ifs.
Indecision and excitement is the current.
Each splash of water cools one thought,
the sun warms up the next one.
The thoughts can’t turn off, one after another
they charge through. How to shut it off.
Thoughts dam up ready to flood and emotions flow.
How to slow them, stop the rapids of the mind.
Come with me
I wait for darkness to take over,
to make the pain subside.
The salt in my tears stings –reminds
me of how unloving the world can be.
How I wish I could float up with the stars,
ride a moon beam.-
I want to feel free again, I want to loose the
Despair-of a cruel world
My spirit feels heavy today-my heart is bleeding
for all the unhappiness –I wish I could spread my
wings and take you all for a ride—I would call out
COME WITH ME- let me lift you from the pain.
I will comfort you. Let’s ride the moon beam as one free
Spirit to escape the bondage of the pain from life’s
experiences.
Finally sleep passes, my eyes are puffy, and my voice is thick
I still feel the tears welling up—in a room full of people
but still alone.
Quietly the tears slip down my cheek while my heart weeps.
to make the pain subside.
The salt in my tears stings –reminds
me of how unloving the world can be.
How I wish I could float up with the stars,
ride a moon beam.-
I want to feel free again, I want to loose the
Despair-of a cruel world
My spirit feels heavy today-my heart is bleeding
for all the unhappiness –I wish I could spread my
wings and take you all for a ride—I would call out
COME WITH ME- let me lift you from the pain.
I will comfort you. Let’s ride the moon beam as one free
Spirit to escape the bondage of the pain from life’s
experiences.
Finally sleep passes, my eyes are puffy, and my voice is thick
I still feel the tears welling up—in a room full of people
but still alone.
Quietly the tears slip down my cheek while my heart weeps.
2 yrs ago I wrote this.... it was my fight the evils of the world era
You seek safety here.
Inside I will shelter you.
Only for awhile.
I see the pain in your eyes.
I hear the question why me.
You are only five.
A child with too many worries.
You flinch in your fear.
My heart aches, my anger burns.
What type of mind abuses kids?
You ask to stay here.
My tears swell when I say no.
You must live at home.
The hurt burns in your wet eyes.
I attempt to comfort you.
I can’t tell you this.
But I am on your side my child.
I have reported this.
They say nothing can be proven.
I am watching over you.
I have no answers.
Don’t know why this is your world.
You keep me grounded my friend.
I know that all is not well.
But you are safe with me now.
Inside I will shelter you.
Only for awhile.
I see the pain in your eyes.
I hear the question why me.
You are only five.
A child with too many worries.
You flinch in your fear.
My heart aches, my anger burns.
What type of mind abuses kids?
You ask to stay here.
My tears swell when I say no.
You must live at home.
The hurt burns in your wet eyes.
I attempt to comfort you.
I can’t tell you this.
But I am on your side my child.
I have reported this.
They say nothing can be proven.
I am watching over you.
I have no answers.
Don’t know why this is your world.
You keep me grounded my friend.
I know that all is not well.
But you are safe with me now.
Standing out in a crowd..
I was told the other night I don't really stand out in a crowd.. to some I make no impact on...You know at first I was hurt .. no one wants to feel like a bowl of oatmeal... then I realized maybe to that one person I don't stand out .. but in my private world I make a huge impact.. My kids know when I am not myself or if I am gone .. My husband hears the emptiness of the house when I am not around..
It is sad how we can let one persons quick judgement let us feel unimportant ... when if you take a step back someone will always miss you ........
It is sad how we can let one persons quick judgement let us feel unimportant ... when if you take a step back someone will always miss you ........
in my mind
I have tons of things I want to say.. and need to say .. but I seem to have it trapped up inthere.I used to write all the time .. poems and short stories...my muse has left me ..I have many things I could write about .. my kids- my marriage- my friends and my heart breaks.. but nothing wants to come out....
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Today
Things seem pretty quiet today the usual therapies ,phone calls and such.Zach had an allergy appointement yesterday - while there is no allergies we maybe looking at sinus surgery .. We will know more later this month on that .. He and I spent the rest of the day together didn't really do much but ran a few errands.It hit me just how grown up he is becoming .. not long ago he was just this little bundle who needed me for everything.He is a great kid we are so lucky God picked us to be his parents.
Liza had a good day too with her home health nurse .. she is always a bundle of giggles when she comes.Alot of people either see that and can't comprehend her illness or some only see the illness .. It saddens me to think some will miss out on this beautiful child .. kids don't stay little long-- and someday she will be all grown up and this time will be memory..
If you saw our 2 together . they look alike and are inseperatable ... as if they were blood siblings ( they do have off moments too) I remember back in the days of infertility and not understandng Gods plan ...now I have insight .. it just wasn't our time ..........
Liza had a good day too with her home health nurse .. she is always a bundle of giggles when she comes.Alot of people either see that and can't comprehend her illness or some only see the illness .. It saddens me to think some will miss out on this beautiful child .. kids don't stay little long-- and someday she will be all grown up and this time will be memory..
If you saw our 2 together . they look alike and are inseperatable ... as if they were blood siblings ( they do have off moments too) I remember back in the days of infertility and not understandng Gods plan ...now I have insight .. it just wasn't our time ..........
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